little known saturday-afternoon facts

every lite rock station in america must play "landslide" by fleetwood mac (or, in a pinch, the dixie chicks) twice a day, or risk having the FCC take their license away

"that should be easy to install" means "no fucking way i'll ever get that thing to work"

"i shouldn't have listened to her" means "i can blame the painter woman for me messing up the toilet"

if you're barrel-chested, but that barrel has moved south, you're more ralph kramden than mr. incredible

richard gere = bad movie

susan sarandon = really bad movie

j.lo + richard gere + susan sarandon = i'm pouring cyanide in my eyes

when you're at home depot at 7 p.m. on a friday night and the loudspeaker announces "attention home depot shoppers -- we're having a how-to workshop in the plumbing department on everything (insert your name here) doesn't know how to do" ... well, maybe god is telling you something