think warm thoughts

next year, i'm going to schedule my review in my proctologist's office.

you know, because it's more sanitary and all.

***

for years now, i've been struggling over this thought: i'm not much good at anything. i don't have any discernable talent, or none that will make me more than the standard, average, lower-middle-class wage that most of us in the middle of the Great Bell Curve of Life can hope for. and if i ever do hope to rise above that, i've got to be someone i'm not -- the "true" parts of my personality must be suppressed to succeed.

thought: it's a self-fulfilling prophecy ... you are what you think you are. and if i keep thinking i'm as described above, then i'll end up as described above.

but thought: it's also not fair for me to keep judging myself this way, as i've come to these thoughts only in situations in which i either was not able to succeed (read: large corporate environments), didn't have enough time to succeed (read: small IT consultant shops), or got kicked in the teeth by the one-two punch of no business experience and a huge terrorist attack (read: self employment).

oh yeah? thought: that describes my employment history since 2000.

***

"if you don't want to be celibate," i told a. today after the review, "you don't become a catholic priest."

and that, in a very blunt nutshell, is the problem. i don't understand why i keep hitting my head against this wall, until i realize that i'm just choosing the same wall every time.

SuitWorld™ -- for all its cool commercials and glitz and reputation -- is just another large corporate entity. you could transplant our hq to some backwater hell in, say, arkansas, and you'd have the same thing. they might not attract as many east- or west-coast hipster art directors, but all in all, things would be the same.

SuitWorld™ (herein "SW") works this way: each team member (more anon) must please his manager. that goes all the way up the chain to the very top. so when you're doing your job, often times it's more about that relationship management than it is how well you do your job. and the larger the company, the more true this becomes, as you can pass on whole layers of work to other teams.

so in our new evaluation formula (just announced today), "job knowledge" counts for 0-10 percent of our total score.

how well we know our true jobs counts for -- at best -- 10 percent of how we're graded.

as johnny cochran would say: that does not make sense.

and yet that's how we're judged at SW. can we "play well with others" on our teams? maybe -- if we're applying to nursery school, i guess that'd be a good thing to worry about ... can we be a "team player" on our projects? perhaps -- if i'm playing a team sport ... can we, oh, i don't know, do our jobs correctly?

don't be ridiculous. why would that matter? and why, for that matter, would personality (insofar as it's not the bland saltine cracker kind)? why would an inquisitive mind that asks questions (insofar as it doesn't instantly come back with "solutions" to said questions)? why would passion and dedication (insofar as it exists outside the psuedo-japanese sing-the-corporate-song-at-meetings HR mentality)?

again, i channel balki bartokomous and say: don't be ridiculous.

**

maybe my development ended my sophomore year in college. maybe my personality is such that the freewheeling, give-and-take atmosphere of a college classroom is where i last tasted true group happiness. maybe i've been deluding myself into thinking that my personality is all smiles and sunshine, or at least that it's not obnoxious and overbearing.

and maybe someday i'll stop trying to succeed as the man in the gray flannel suit and realize that my greatest talents lie fallow in a field that most large corporations -- SuitWorld™ being just the latest example -- dare not till.

ps an example of my derring-do meeting strategy