and the oscar for 'best usage of metric-sized screws in a light fixture' goes to ...

in the armed forces, there's a crime known as "impersonating an officer," which basically means i pretend i'm someone of a higher rank -- if i'm a corporal, i'd pretend i'm a sergeant. if i'm a lieutenant, i'd pretend i'm a colonel. and if i'm an incompetent house-husband, i'd ... well, i'd spend all weekend fighting with appliances.

saturday was frustrating; me and a. bought all new appliances for the kitchen, because our old range had this annoying habit of having an entire ecosphere inside the oven -- it would be 350 degrees in the front, 385 in the back, and 290 down by the broiler. never mind what you'd set it to, because fast-moving low pressure systems might cause all sorts of freak weather on the second rack.

but you can't exactly go out and buy a 10-year-old whirlpool range to match the 10-year-old fridge and dishwasher ... well, you could, i suppose, but why would you? so to replace one and not have the kitchen look too bachelor-ish, we had to replace them all.

fridge? fine -- just slide it in and you're done. range? fine -- just slide it in and you're done. above-range microwave? fine -- a bit tough to drill the holes, but after a few minutes, it's done.

dishwasher? fine -- don't bother unwrapping it. instead, go out and buy a shitload of dawn and a few washcloths, because in the end, that will take less effort than getting a dishwasher installed.

after four -- F-O-U-fucking-R -- trips to various megastore home improvement franchises, i finally get the $0.59 piece i need to make the 1/2" OD pipe from the dishwasher talk to the 3/8" OD hot water valve.

we were exhausted, and spent most of saturday night in a catatonic state. so what did i decide to do on a free-as-a-bird sunday? put in a discount light fixture we'd picked up on sale.

i'm not one to name names, though this blog doesn't care which multinational corporations it pisses off (unless said corporation happens to be the one that signs my paychecks). sometimes writing is better if it's not name-dropping people and places, right? but in this case, i'll say the name, because all my problems stem from the low-quality merchandise they sell.

i'm talking about MENARD'S!

turns out -- after my second trip to the friendly neighborhood hardware store, where the people are far more knowledgable, and the prices are far more expensive, than MENARD'S! -- that the major reason i was having problems with the light fixture is that it's a fucking piece of shit.

and how do i know it's a fucking piece of shit? because MENARD'S! sells eastern-bloc light fixtures that use metric screws. who in the fuck uses metric anything anymore? maybe in europe, africa, asia, australia, south america and canada they do, but besides that, tell me who?

MENARD'S!, as best i can tell, is based in america. the most exotic locale in which one might find a MENARD'S!, unless i'm missing something, is wisconsin. so why is MENARD'S! selling shit that's all metric? because MENARD'S sucks, that's why. if you're selling stuff in america, use english measurements. america = english. got that?

i told a. that i'm very, very disappointed that she doesn't ever come home and say "honey, i just got this awesome wireless router, but i need help setting up the network."

so maybe i can rescue this light fixture. or maybe a. will call the house husband police and turn me in for impersonating someone who knows what the hell he's doing with a hammer and nails.